How can Third Culture Kids find relationships that are meaningful?
By Ruth Van Reken
First, let’s validate the fact that the desire for close relationships is real for at our very core, we are made to be relational beings.
All of us have a deep need to know others and to be known by them in a way that transcends discussions the facts about our lives alone. It includes a knowing of how each other feels, thinks, and operates. This includes non-TCKs as well as TCKs.
It is part of being human.
But getting to know others beyond the surface takes time. That’s why high mobility in our lives matters.
When we, or others around us, keep moving from one place to another – whether because of our parent’s career when we were children, or now by choice as adults – we don’t have the time needed to establish those types of relationships.
The inability to feel connected at some point, however, transcends physical mobility alone. Many of us have put up barriers inside where we have consciously or unconsciously made a decision to protect against future hurt by “not caring” or simply not engaging.
One twelve year old TCK told me so in plain words.
After I had talked about one of the possible challenges of mobility being the pain of losing, this TCK came up to me and said…
“I used to mind when people came to our area for a short time and then left again. Then I decided not to care and I’ve been fine since then.” …And I thought, “Come see me in twenty years when you won’t know how to let yourself care enough to let anyone in to those inner spaces.”
In my own story, I couldn’t understand when I got married, why every time I felt especially close to my husband, I seemed to start a fuss about something small…
..like who was going to take out the garbage.
Eventually I saw that I was so terrified of losing this person I loved, it seemed safer to keep that last bit of distance between us so it wouldn’t hurt so much if he was killed in an accident or left for any other reason. Thankfully, we’ve been married almost 41 years so far, but it took a long time to let that barrier down.
So this is where I see the problem with finding connections with others often beginning to also tie in with the grief issues.
For you, it has seemed easier to “try again” in a new place and keep hoping for the magical cure for this inner restlessness and longing rather than to risk getting close enough to someone who may leave once more.
Ironically, we can sometimes unconsciously have self-fulfilling prophecies, e.g. “I know I’ll never get to close to anyone so I”ll leave first.”
Your brother may get angry to keep others, or your parents, at bay, even while wanting to be closer to them.
We are all such strange creatures, aren’t we?
While all of these protective mechanisms serve a useful purpose to get us through extremely hard times emotionally, when we get trapped in them they become our prison. I liken it to physical shock. When the body is severely wounded, it will go into shock mode, where the blood vessels in our extremities constrict so all the blood is sent to keep the vital organs working. It is called survival mode. But if a body stays in that mode forever, the person will still die as ultimately our extremities also need a blood supply.
So it is for emotional “shock.”
The methods you and your brother picked up to survive kept you basically internally intact to this point. That’s good. But it’s not where you want to stay for by now these same coping mechanisms are starting to keep you from living the very lives you are meant to be living.
The question for us all, of course, is that we can recognize these things, but then what do we do about it?
In Part 3, I will share examples on how I have dealt with grief, advice on relating to
someone who is not a TCK, and how this works out practically.
Looking forward to helping you.
Kind Regards,
Ruth Van Reken
This Part 2 of the 5-Part Email mini course “TCK Relationships and Grief”. You can download it here.
