How Do I Find Relationships That Are Meaningful?
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How can Third Culture Kids find relationships that are meaningful?
This Part 2 of the 5-Part Email mini course “TCK Relationships and Grief”. You can download it here.
By Ruth Van Reken
First, let’s validate the fact that the desire for close relationships is real for at our very core, we are made to be relational beings.
All of us have a deep need to know others and to be known by them in a way that transcends discussions the facts about our lives alone. It includes a knowing of how each other feels, thinks, and operates. This includes non-TCKs as well as TCKs.
It is part of being human.
But getting to know others beyond the surface takes time. That’s why high mobility in our lives matters.
When we, or others around us, keep moving from one place to another – whether because of our parent’s career when we were children, or now by choice as adults – we don’t have the time needed to establish those types of relationships.
The inability to feel connected at some point, however, transcends physical mobility alone. Many of us have put up barriers inside where we have consciously or unconsciously made a decision to protect against future hurt by “not caring” or simply not engaging.
One twelve year old TCK told me so in plain words.
After I had talked about one of the possible challenges of mobility being the pain of losing, this TCK came up to me and said…
“I used to mind when people came to our area for a short time and then left again. Then I decided not to care and I’ve been fine since then.” …And I thought, “Come see me in twenty years when you won’t know how to let yourself care enough to let anyone in to those inner spaces.”
In my own story, I couldn’t understand when I got married, why every time I felt especially close to my husband, I seemed to start a fuss about something small…
..like who was going to take out the garbage.
Eventually I saw that I was so terrified of losing this person I loved, it seemed safer to keep that last bit of distance between us so it wouldn’t hurt so much if he was killed in an accident or left for any other reason. Thankfully, we’ve been married almost 41 years so far, but it took a long time to let that barrier down.
So this is where I see the problem with finding connections with others often beginning to also tie in with the grief issues.
For you, it has seemed easier to “try again” in a new place and keep hoping for the magical cure for this inner restlessness and longing rather than to risk getting close enough to someone who may leave once more.
Ironically, we can sometimes unconsciously have self-fulfilling prophecies, e.g. “I know I’ll never get to close to anyone so I”ll leave first.”
Your brother may get angry to keep others, or your parents, at bay, even while wanting to be closer to them.
We are all such strange creatures, aren’t we?
While all of these protective mechanisms serve a useful purpose to get us through extremely hard times emotionally, when we get trapped in them they become our prison. I liken it to physical shock. When the body is severely wounded, it will go into shock mode, where the blood vessels in our extremities constrict so all the blood is sent to keep the vital organs working. It is called survival mode. But if a body stays in that mode forever, the person will still die as ultimately our extremities also need a blood supply.
So it is for emotional “shock.”
The methods you and your brother picked up to survive kept you basically internally intact to this point. That’s good. But it’s not where you want to stay for by now these same coping mechanisms are starting to keep you from living the very lives you are meant to be living.
The question for us all, of course, is that we can recognize these things, but then what do we do about it?
In Part 3, I will share examples on how I have dealt with grief, advice on relating to
someone who is not a TCK, and how this works out practically.
Looking forward to helping you.
Kind Regards,
Ruth Van Reken
This Part 2 of the 5-Part Email mini course “TCK Relationships and Grief”. You can download it here.
17 Comments
Dear Ruth, I have lived in the same place for 24 years. This place has felt
cold and disconnected ever since I’ve lived here. My church has felt even
worse. I certainly haven’t run away physically, but I know I have been
scared of close relationships and not known how to make them. The thing
that hurts me the worst is that I don’t know how to be close to God. I keep
trying to figure it all out, but, I guess I just can’t “let go and let God.”
I’ve been going to a therapist for 20 years now. I feel that is the only
reason I am alive today. It’s taken a long time, but I am beginning to
believe and trust a little more.
Recently I got an al-anon sponsor who lives 5 hrs away. I met her when she
was here on vacation. She has been an answer to my prayer for help out of
isolation. It’s only a phone relationship though. Funny, but I am meeting a
few nicer people recently—Is God opening doors for me when I am ready?
Signed: disconnected
Hi Ruth,
I find this quote interesting: “I used to mind when people came to our area for a short time and then left again. Then I decided not to care and I’ve been fine since then.”
That’s exactly how I used to think a few years ago!
And now I actually *do* mind…
Brice
Hello Ruth
The following stuck out to me:
“Eventually I saw that I was so terrified of losing this person I loved, it seemed safer to keep that last bit of distance between us so it wouldn’t hurt so much if he was killed in an accident or left for any other reason.”
It wasn’t about losing a spouse because I am not married (although I have thought about this too because I think I will be in so much pain if I lost my husband), but I can see that this feeling is strong towards my mom. I do know that it is unnecessary to worry about losing my mom, but she is so important to me that I fear bad things happening to her.
Miyon,
I can relate to that. When I was younger, I would keep an emotional distance between my mom and I, or anyone close to me, because I was afraid of losing her. It felt easier to disconnect yourself to avoid the pain.
When I was a kid, I always laughed when I was happy and cried if I was unhappy. I let out my emotions as they came pretty much. This kind of behavior is however discouraged by society and punished – to some extent in American society and very much so in Japan – so it was after I became an adult that I started to hold my emotions in more.
I got chronic gastroenteritis as a result.
I am sure I have some version of this problem you have cited above, but mine starts out by being very open and honest with people in general. And then when I feel I’ve been let down or betrayed the steel bars coming crashing down and I create a wall between that person and me. Or it could just be that that person has said something that has created this very bad feeling inside my chest so that I was left feeling kind of awful all day. So I stop being honest and exchange pleasantries with them and things are OK for the time being. Sometimes time can make the wall go away but when this happens three times, I usually terminate my relationship with this person, because I feel that the problem isn’t just within me but there is clearly a problem with the other person who obviously has no intention to change and keep making me feel bad repeatedly.
I’m thinking this might be some kind of variation of the issue you mention above.
During my childhood, there were kids who I got along with and didn’t get along with just like anyone else. I guess I learned that when the kids I didn’t get along with left the country the problem conveniently solved itself and I didn’t have to deal with it anymore. So perhaps I’m recreating this situation by pretending someone who hasn’t left the country isn’t there anymore? Something like that.
I think my main problem is more with creating workable relationships with people I don’t get along with. I wish this could have been fixed a decade ago and I might still be working instead of semi-retired.
Hi Brice,
Thank you for the kind words. Honestly, I did have moments when I kept my mom distant (ex. avoid writing emails to her when I am having the most difficult times) because the pain and struggle I had was too big and I thought it would be more discouraging and hurtful to share with her because she would not understand.
But then, I think interestingly for me rather than keeping distance with her I try to please her as much as possible so that I can gain approval from her. I know this can be explained by other things but at the same time I think it is the fear of losing her (she was one of the very few people whom I was with during the crazy moves between countries).
And Ayako, as I was reading your story I could relate too. At times I just know that the people I am talking to won’t understand me so I smile, I act super happy around them and everything seems OK at the time. Later, I go home and sit by myself and crash down. I would be bowling on the floor for about 20-30 minutes. Sometimes I fall asleep due to the rushing feelings of weariness and exhaustion.
I was constantly told by my family (when I lived with them) not to tell my struggles to members outside of family. When simply I needed people who can listen to me, I would bury the loneliness and guilt inside. I did talk with one adult who was trustworthy but later hurt by numerous others who gave me advice that I should not overreact. I know now that my family was trying to protect me from other people. I just wished that at that time I had someone who understood me. I had no knowledge of TCK back then and was forced to live up to expectations of the community.
Hi Ruth,
It’s strange how much I can relate to that – I’m not even sure I’m actually a TCK, because I only spent two years up to the age of three abroad. And it was in my father’s country. Apart from the summers we spent there afterwards, I can hardly remember anything, whereas there’s plenty of memories from right after we went back to my birth country. From what my parents are telling me, I must have been quite heart broken and missed my friends very much.
“Many of us have put up barriers inside
where we have consciously or unconsciously made a decision to protect against future hurt by “not caring” or simply not engaging.”
This part actually brings my feelings to the point. I’m just finding it difficult to understand how it can be if I can’t even remember. It kind of left a scar, because up until now, almost 23 years later, I’m still finding it very hard to let people get close to me. Actually, one of my flatmates this year is probably the only person I’ve ever opened up to – we can just talk about everything and I have yet to retreat into my shell. She’s a CCK, funny that. It just feels like she simply understands. I just wish I found it easier to open up to my friends I’ve had for years. They know I just am this way but I still feel I sort of owe it to them to let them get closer.
Lina
This is exactly how I’m feeling as well, and that’s the funny thing, because I genuinely believed I was the only had who had to go through this. I think it happened after I left Malaysia. My dad told me we were staying in Malaysia for the rest of our lives, and I think I had started to open up a bit, be less distant. And then when I moved to Africa after that, I stopped caring. I tried to keep myself as distant as possible from my African friends even though they were trying (and trying really hard) to get closer to me, and I just felt I couldn’t let them because I knew that I would move away again and they would stay where they were. And in a way, it has worked. I’ve stopped caring. But I’ve also stopped having close relationships. The friends I have made still remain, but I don’t like making new friends. Even the people I work with seem to have sensed this, and they just leave me alone most of the time. In a sense, I don’t care, but at the same time, I do.
Michelle
Lina, I have a similar situation: I moved back permanently to my “home” country at the age of 7.
And I also have many feelings of protection and keeping people away when I actually want close relationships.
I attribute a lot of that to feelings of rejection when I moved back, being bullied at school for being different, these kinds of things.
As a teen I started turning this around, instead of thinking “everybody hates me”, I changed to feeling to “I hate everyone, no one is good enough for me”.
I still feel like that towards many people (specially the ones from my “home” country). My approach is still very defensive “no one is good/nice/trustable until they prove the opposite”.
This is kind of my autopilot mode.
After I learned about TCK and had my feelings validated in http://www.tckid.com, I’ve been learning how to turn the autopilot mode off, but it does require some effort. Somedays it’s easier, and somedays it seems impossible.
I know I just have to keep on practising.
LOVE the Ruth!!
hi! well, i am very reserved, so i have to really trust someone to be myself with them. it takes me a long time to consider someone my friend…so trave;ing from place to place makes friendships even harder for me to find. the very close friends i have keep in contact with me still, and we see each other at least once a week. but this year, turns out that they are going to college, in a different city. one will be six hours away and the other will be 34 hours away…how do i cope with that?
this is going to be hard…
I lived in Japan as an mk for 18 years and then moved to the states. I am married with one 18 year old son. I am an only child, my brother died in a car accident when he was 20. My parents had to come back from Japan for the funeral. I sometimes feel envious of people who have lived in one place there whole life. I feel like they have a whole circle of friends and family.
I feel alone alot.
We attend a small church where my husband is involved with the worship team. I don’t feel like I can relate very well to the people at our church. I think my perspective is too “odd” for them.
hmm…it’s intersting to come back to this same page almost 1.5 years ago and read my own comment and see how much I’ve changed.
Actually, not that much…but it seems somethings are more clear for me now.
I don’t let people get close because I’m afraid of rejection. They will reject me (because I still have the wrong belief that they hate/dislike me) anyway, so why bother trying? Or just plain fear of getting close and then loosing that person…. arrrgg
So I think I can relate to you guys. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I’m afraid. And the fear is what stops me from getting closer to people.
That’s where my autopilot idea fits in again. I get into that scared mode and don’t take actions to become closer to people. The only way I’m thinking about turning it off is by telling myself that I have survived other times. I’ve gone through many losses (including recently the hardest of all: my mom =( ) and I have survived. If I can just tell myself that, talk myself out of fear, I think I can get over it.
I hope this helps other people too.
I really relate to the whole part about feeling disconnected and distant. It’s nice to have it validated because I feel like I shouldn’t be this way.
The thing that’s different for me is that I don’t think I keep people away because i’m afraid of losing them, I think it has more to do with being insecure and afraid that they won’t like me once they get to know me.
I think because I’ve moved so much I feel that I’m different from everyone else, and no one can understand me. I’ve tried to embrace my differences, but I usually just feel a little out of place. Maybe it’s just because a teenager, but the need to keep people away has more to do with being insecure than being afraid the person is going to leave.
Is this pretty common?
Hi Ruth — I really related to all this and to everything everyone else has added.
Several years ago, I quite literally became an urban hermit. I am happy with my life, and that “path” but I am really relieved to find out that I am “normal” for doing so, and for the internal, psychological reasons that drove me to do it. for years I thought I was simply defective as a human being and that it “was me” and that other people must be perfectly normal, and that I am the one who just “didn’t get it.”
The desire for solitude is now a real “choice” for me and not a prison in which I lock myself. Ironically, I feel a freedom to choose hermiticism for its own rewards and not because I am “forced” into it. I am so grateful to you and to Brice, and all those who have reached out to me. Be assured of my constant prayers for you and your work, but also for your personal lives, that they will be blessed, rewarded, and multiplied by grace.
Much love to you,
Suzanne
How can I get this whole series? I think it would help me right now.
Hi Laura,
You can download the whole series by signing up here: http://tckacademy.com and also checking out the blog for more. Hope that helps
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