Comments on: Dear Ruth, I’m still searching for my “home”… http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/ Helping you serve the cross cultural community Fri, 19 Feb 2010 05:15:45 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Brice http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-1956 Brice Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:49:57 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-1956 Hi Sylvia, You may find the solution to your answer on restlessness and roots by downloading the 7 Things Every TCK Needs to Know teleconference. Page 10, talks about transitions and page 12, #8. "How do these issues surrounding loss relate to our decisions about making and keeping relationships? Or "rootlessness"?" Download the handout here: http://tckacademy.com/class/sponsor/?download There's also many discussion on relationships with non-tcks who want to settle on http://tckid.com/help.html Hi Sylvia,

You may find the solution to your answer on restlessness and roots by downloading the 7 Things Every TCK Needs to Know teleconference.

Page 10, talks about transitions and page 12, #8. “How do these issues surrounding loss relate to our decisions about making and keeping relationships? Or “rootlessness”?”

Download the handout here:
http://tckacademy.com/class/sponsor/?download

There’s also many discussion on relationships with non-tcks who want to settle on http://tckid.com/help.html

]]> By: Bryarly http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-1955 Bryarly Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:40:51 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-1955 I, like Sylvia, feel grateful and fortunate for having a nomadic upbringing. I didn't suffer the grief that others have felt upon leaving friends behind, because I have 6 siblings, who came with me in every move, and our tribe gets along well. The only wall I keep hitting is my vision of the future. I have been in an intimate relationship for 5.5 years with a man who was born and raised in Ottawa, Canada, and he is content with the idea of staying there for the rest of his life. When I think of that prospect, I feel panicky and a sense of entrapment. I have big dreams to live overseas again and see parts of the world I haven't been to yet, such as West Africa and Central America, but at the same time I don't want to walk away from my relationship. It is difficult to fathom a future with someone who has had such a different upbringing and can't conceive of following the global nomad lifestyle. Am I with the wrong man, or shall I compromise on my future dreams and settle for a more rooted lifestyle (where fear of boredom and restricted opportunities looms)? I know there are advantages to having roots and a real sense of belonging in one community, but I also think that living overseas is a gift. Is anyone else in a relationship wherein they fear their trajectory doesn't align well with their partner's trajectory? I, like Sylvia, feel grateful and fortunate for having a nomadic upbringing. I didn’t suffer the grief that others have felt upon leaving friends behind, because I have 6 siblings, who came with me in every move, and our tribe gets along well. The only wall I keep hitting is my vision of the future. I have been in an intimate relationship for 5.5 years with a man who was born and raised in Ottawa, Canada, and he is content with the idea of staying there for the rest of his life. When I think of that prospect, I feel panicky and a sense of entrapment. I have big dreams to live overseas again and see parts of the world I haven’t been to yet, such as West Africa and Central America, but at the same time I don’t want to walk away from my relationship. It is difficult to fathom a future with someone who has had such a different upbringing and can’t conceive of following the global nomad lifestyle. Am I with the wrong man, or shall I compromise on my future dreams and settle for a more rooted lifestyle (where fear of boredom and restricted opportunities looms)? I know there are advantages to having roots and a real sense of belonging in one community, but I also think that living overseas is a gift. Is anyone else in a relationship wherein they fear their trajectory doesn’t align well with their partner’s trajectory?

]]> By: Grief Expert: “My Life is Good, But Why Don’t I Feel That Way?” | TCK Academy Class http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-1954 Grief Expert: “My Life is Good, But Why Don’t I Feel That Way?” | TCK Academy Class Sat, 16 Jan 2010 09:15:20 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-1954 [...] Dear Ruth, I’m still searching for my “home” [...] [...] Dear Ruth, I’m still searching for my “home” [...]

]]> By: Paul http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-1952 Paul Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:37:25 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-1952 Looking back there are a number of things I did in order to cope with having moved countries. One thing I did do was withdraw and not talk to my parents as they arrived a few months later. I struggled to make relationships and tended to relate to children who were either being bullied or whose family came from another country. I do remember collecting things in a box a bit like memories, even though they were not African items, I think I must have felt that by collecting them I would have a link to my past and not loose the past. What did drive me was a desire to go and work abroad which drove me in what I studied and I did more than 9 years worth of studies after finishing school. Eventually I did manage to visit a number of countries but lack of money prevented me from continually moving country. Looking back there are a number of things I did in order to cope with having moved countries. One thing I did do was withdraw and not talk to my parents as they arrived a few months later.

I struggled to make relationships and tended to relate to children who were either being bullied or whose family came from another country. I do remember collecting things in a box a bit like memories, even though they were not African items, I think I must have felt that by collecting them I would have a link to my past and not loose the past.

What did drive me was a desire to go and work abroad which drove me in what I studied and I did more than 9 years worth of studies after finishing school. Eventually I did manage to visit a number of countries but lack of money prevented me from continually moving country.

]]> By: heather http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-1950 heather Thu, 14 Jan 2010 16:14:45 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-1950 wow, that could've been my post. creepy similar. interesting pattern that brothers seem to isolate and sisters seem to wander! or maybe firstborns isolate, while 2nd/3rd/babies wander... while i am sure this is not a general rule, it'd be interesting to see how that pans out across the TCK community. i've decided to go back to grad school to study ethnomusicology because it's a field that i'm passionate about, but also because the community fosters staying connected while traveling and is rich in people who "get it." we'll see if i find my "home" there! wow, that could’ve been my post. creepy similar. interesting pattern that brothers seem to isolate and sisters seem to wander! or maybe firstborns isolate, while 2nd/3rd/babies wander… while i am sure this is not a general rule, it’d be interesting to see how that pans out across the TCK community.

i’ve decided to go back to grad school to study ethnomusicology because it’s a field that i’m passionate about, but also because the community fosters staying connected while traveling and is rich in people who “get it.” we’ll see if i find my “home” there!

]]> By: Jimmy http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-701 Jimmy Thu, 13 Nov 2008 07:17:49 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-701 These comments have pretty much summed up how I feel. I have lived in the US for 8 years, since graduating form high school. My parents moved to Nigeria when I was 2 yrs old, and to me that is still home. I do not fit in here, and I don't understand why not. My younger sister has married and they have started their own family. My younger brother had some rough spots, but seems to be ironing things out quite well now, adapting to life in the US--he did have high school here, and never had to experience boarding school (for which he is grateful), so he says he had an easier time adjusting to life in the US. I have been here the longest of all three of us, but I am still not adjusting. I can't seem to stay in school long enough to get a degree, or keep a job for very long. Right now I am completing the first year at a job, the first one in my life I have had this long. If my boss wasn't an African, I don't think this would have happened. I am just so frustrated with feeling 'left out' of life, and don't know what direction to try and head. I have to agree with Silvia--What are parents thinking sometimes??? These comments have pretty much summed up how I feel. I have lived in the US for 8 years, since graduating form high school. My parents moved to Nigeria when I was 2 yrs old, and to me that is still home. I do not fit in here, and I don’t understand why not.
My younger sister has married and they have started their own family. My younger brother had some rough spots, but seems to be ironing things out quite well now, adapting to life in the US–he did have high school here, and never had to experience boarding school (for which he is grateful), so he says he had an easier time adjusting to life in the US.
I have been here the longest of all three of us, but I am still not adjusting. I can’t seem to stay in school long enough to get a degree, or keep a job for very long. Right now I am completing the first year at a job, the first one in my life I have had this long. If my boss wasn’t an African, I don’t think this would have happened.
I am just so frustrated with feeling ‘left out’ of life, and don’t know what direction to try and head. I have to agree with Silvia–What are parents thinking sometimes???

]]> By: Silvia http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-114 Silvia Tue, 02 Sep 2008 08:06:17 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-114 I have 3 siblings, but we are all lonely soldiers. I am fighting with tears reading your comments and emails. It's true that I feel most comfortable with other TCKs. I envy and respect people who have stayed in one place all their life, but what is MY place in this world? After 7 months in a furnished apartment, I am now looking for my own apartment, but I have no idea if that is the right decision. I want to stay mobile, just in case! I can't stand the thought of becoming "chained" to one place. But constantly hastening from one place to the next is so tiring. As Germans, we grew up in Central Africa, went to an American school, then to a French one. My sister lives in the USA, I just got back from Greece. One of my brothers is broken and has to take medication for the rest of his life. I wonder what parents are thinking sometimes. I have 3 siblings, but we are all lonely soldiers. I am fighting with tears reading your comments and emails. It’s true that I feel most comfortable with other TCKs. I envy and respect people who have stayed in one place all their life, but what is MY place in this world? After 7 months in a furnished apartment, I am now looking for my own apartment, but I have no idea if that is the right decision. I want to stay mobile, just in case! I can’t stand the thought of becoming “chained” to one place. But constantly hastening from one place to the next is so tiring. As Germans, we grew up in Central Africa, went to an American school, then to a French one. My sister lives in the USA, I just got back from Greece. One of my brothers is broken and has to take medication for the rest of his life. I wonder what parents are thinking sometimes.

]]> By: Michelle http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-16 Michelle Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:37:48 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-16 I can relate to Wondering here. I've been distancing myself from my whole family- partly as a pay back I guess, and partly because I feel that my own family does not understand me. I know I have these problems, but I guess that even when you want to make a change, saying it is harder than actually doing it. I can relate to Wondering here. I’ve been distancing myself from my whole family- partly as a pay back I guess, and partly because I feel that my own family does not understand me. I know I have these problems, but I guess that even when you want to make a change, saying it is harder than actually doing it.

]]> By: Sylvia http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-14 Sylvia Sun, 08 Jun 2008 15:33:36 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-14 I just thought I would add my 2 cents to this conversation as my experience seems to be very different from Wondering's experience...and yet somehow the same...as if it was just another side of the same coin. I am a 36 year old half Italian, half American Diplobrat...so obviously a TCK. I grew up in Europe, Latin America and Israel and we pretty much moved every 2 to 3 years or so. Yeah I found it tough but I wouln't have exchanged the way I grew up for any other life style. My family loves to travel and so do I. I have continued that pattern...since university I have lived in Mexico, Italy, France, and now Canada. It's just who I am and I accept it and embrace it. This isn't to say that I haven't had to deal with the sorrow of leaving friends...but unlike a lot of the comments I read...well, I throw myself headlong into friendships and my strategy in the romantic department has been to find a travelling companion, and I have...we've been together for almost 13 years now. Which brings me to the difficulties...you see, he isn't a TCK. He's a traveller and a professional "expat"...but well...he decided he wanted to go home eventually and after many years of visits I decided that I wanted to try and make his home my home...to "settle down"...and the chosen place is Montreal. Well, possibly my strategy for coping with constant moves was to have a never-changing home base and no culture shock at home...well welcome to culture shock at home when your husband is part of the host culture! I think possibly my problem is that I have made myself too dependant on this one relationship never changing...and we all know that everybody changes throughout their life right? Anyway...as far as friendships go...well I have maintained some really strong friendships from high school and university...even though we only see each other ver seldom. But making friends here in Montreal is a different story...it's been difficult. anyway...this is all neither here nor there...just wanted to add a different perspective to the mix. Thanks for listening. Sylvia I just thought I would add my 2 cents to this conversation as my experience seems to be very different from Wondering’s experience…and yet somehow the same…as if it was just another side of the same coin.

I am a 36 year old half Italian, half American Diplobrat…so obviously a TCK. I grew up in Europe, Latin America and Israel and we pretty much moved every 2 to 3 years or so. Yeah I found it tough but I wouln’t have exchanged the way I grew up for any other life style. My family loves to travel and so do I. I have continued that pattern…since university I have lived in Mexico, Italy, France, and now Canada. It’s just who I am and I accept it and embrace it.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t had to deal with the sorrow of leaving friends…but unlike a lot of the comments I read…well, I throw myself headlong into friendships and my strategy in the romantic department has been to find a travelling companion, and I have…we’ve been together for almost 13 years now.

Which brings me to the difficulties…you see, he isn’t a TCK. He’s a traveller and a professional “expat”…but well…he decided he wanted to go home eventually and after many years of visits I decided that I wanted to try and make his home my home…to “settle down”…and the chosen place is Montreal.

Well, possibly my strategy for coping with constant moves was to have a never-changing home base and no culture shock at home…well welcome to culture shock at home when your husband is part of the host culture! I think possibly my problem is that I have made myself too dependant on this one relationship never changing…and we all know that everybody changes throughout their life right?

Anyway…as far as friendships go…well I have maintained some really strong friendships from high school and university…even though we only see each other ver seldom. But making friends here in Montreal is a different story…it’s been difficult.

anyway…this is all neither here nor there…just wanted to add a different perspective to the mix.

Thanks for listening.

Sylvia

]]> By: Abe http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/dear-ruth-im-still-searching-for-my-home/comment-page-1/#comment-10 Abe Thu, 05 Jun 2008 05:43:15 +0000 http://tckacademy.com/class/blog/?p=3#comment-10 Hi. I just thought I'd add my own thoughts. I wouldn't say that I'm sad- at least not now. I enjoy my life and love my family! However, I do long for relationships outside of that. For friends. I can't really relate to the nationals or trust them completely because we have different faiths. I can't discuss important things going on in my life with them casue they wouldn't really understand. I have some friends that are internationals and Christains and I can make friends easily. The problem for me is keeping those friends because the only contact we have is maybe seeing each other once a year and email. Email isn't the same and it's difficult to talk on the phone when you haven't seen each other in so long. People, especially teenagers, can change so fast. It's impossible to keep up much less when you don't know anyone very well. Everyone who lives close leaves. Their parents find better jobs. Even the adults I've thought would always be there have moved. I don't have a problem with relating to people. I can make friends with anyone! I just wish I could have a constant relationship with someone (around) my age that doesn't live countries away. I've lived overseas ever since I can remember. I had a good friend here and there but we've lost contact or we've kept up but how can you really keep up when you only seen each other for seven days of each year from the time you were both kindergardeners. My "best friend" I hardly know. I've taken what opportunities I can to get to know her better but I've only had so many. It's just hard! I know that some of the void I feel in my life from lack of real friends is probably my soul longing for God. I'm trying to get to know him better but I don't think that's all of it. How can I deal with having no friends? We live in a big city and the few people there are live hours away- the Christian teens at least. I'll repeat... It's just hard! I'm not sure how much this relates to being a TCK- if at all. But thanks for letting me write anyway! -looking for friends Hi. I just thought I’d add my own thoughts.

I wouldn’t say that I’m sad- at least not now. I enjoy my life and love my family! However, I do long for relationships outside of that. For friends. I can’t really relate to the nationals or trust them completely because we have different faiths. I can’t discuss important things going on in my life with them casue they wouldn’t really understand. I have some friends that are internationals and Christains and I can make friends easily. The problem for me is keeping those friends because the only contact we have is maybe seeing each other once a year and email. Email isn’t the same and it’s difficult to talk on the phone when you haven’t seen each other in so long. People, especially teenagers, can change so fast. It’s impossible to keep up much less when you don’t know anyone very well. Everyone who lives close leaves. Their parents find better jobs. Even the adults I’ve thought would always be there have moved. I don’t have a problem with relating to
people. I can make friends with anyone! I just wish I could have a constant relationship with someone (around) my age that doesn’t live countries away. I’ve lived overseas ever since I can remember. I had a good friend here and there but we’ve lost contact or we’ve kept up but how can you really keep up when you only seen each other for seven days of each year from the time you were both kindergardeners. My “best friend” I hardly know. I’ve taken what opportunities I can to get to know her better but I’ve only had so many. It’s just hard! I know that some of the void I feel in my life from lack of real friends is probably my soul longing for God. I’m trying to get to know him better but I don’t think that’s all of it. How can I deal with having no friends? We live in a big city and the few people there are live hours away- the Christian teens at least. I’ll repeat… It’s just hard! I’m not sure how much this relates to being a TCK- if at all. But
thanks for letting me write anyway!
-looking for friends

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